Sunday, February 7, 2021
I was watching “The Photograph” and I could help but to see images of myself and cast visions for what I want to have. I have a love-hate relationship with love movies. I love watching them, but I hate how they make me feel. I always see myself in the characters. I always seem to pick movies that speak to the holes in my life. And they make me cry. They make long for what I desire. They make me realize the emptiness that sits in the place of my beautiful love story.
I desire to live a great love story. I can’t help but fantasize about the man who will look at me adoringly. When I see the pictures of the romantic proposals, I can’t help but wonder when I will have mine. Oscillating between the promise of what could be and the envy of what is not, I imagine me in the pictures. I imagine what it feels like to experience love in that way. I imagine the euphoria and excitement of having the man I love go down on one knee and profess his desire to be with me always. I imagine knowing the preparation and thought that went into creating a special moment to cement the beginning of a lifetime together. I imagine the joy of saying, “Yes” and feeling the ring slip over my finger.
I have experienced the joy of a man expressing his desire to marry me. Once at a gas station at Pump #8 and once on my back porch after smoking a cigar. There was no ring. No romantic proposal. No beautiful orchestration. Just the raw emotion of an expression to love me forever. The beauty was no less endearing. The declaration was no less heartfelt. Each time he took my hand in his and looked into my eyes and showed me his soul.
But I still want the cinema worthy orchestration. I still want the romance. I still want to feel special and surprised and celebrated. I still want the moment captured on film. Most of all, I want forever to really be forever.
I’m tired of watching other people’s love stories. There’s only so much, “My day is coming” I can stand. I want to see my love story unfold before my eyes. I want to live it and experience it and look back on it with love and excitement. I want the real-life pictures etched in my memories and across my heart.
I want to be the woman in the photograph.