Sunday, February 14, 2021

Lot's Wife


Lot’s Wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. I had done the same. I kept on looking back at what I lost. Looking back at what he did. Looking back at the life that was. I had turned into walking pillar of salt. Angry as fuck. And one day, I decided I would be Lot’s wife no longer. I decided to leave it all behind. I did not need it. I decided to release myself from the fires of anger, hurt, and regret. I decided to let my past burn. I had a future to look forward to. I had too much ahead of me to be looking back on a burning city. 

Once you leave a burning town, you’ve got to let that bitch burn. You are not a firefighter. You can’t save it. You’ve got to keep on walking and save yourself from the fire. That’s the thing about life. Once you make a decision, you’ve got to be good with it. More importantly, you’ve got to be good without what you have left behind. 

Regret plagues your present and robs you of your future. Hurt about past hurt creates new hurt that won’t allow you to heal. Stop letting the need for closure rob you of your peace. They meant that shit. Fuck “Why?”! It doesn’t matter. 

In the end it doesn’t matter why. It does not matter if it was your fault or theirs. It doesn’t matter if they care. It doesn’t matter. It happened. Accept that. Be at peace with that. Release that. Move the fuck on. If you don’t, you’ll be like Lot’s wife. Dead on the inside. Salty on the outside. Left behind and immobilized by an attachment to what was. 

It is no more. Let it go. Let it go so you can let yourself go. Go into the next chapter of your life freely. Unchained. Unbound. Unlocked. 

Looking back keeps you chained to the past. Looking forward keeps you oriented to moving on. Moving on. Moving beyond. Moving up. 

You can remember the lessons of your life without looking back. You can turn the pages of that history without repeating the story in your mind and in reality. That is a chapter already written. 

It is time to write a new chapter. A salt-free chapter. One where you are fully alive and unencumbered. Release the salt of your past into the wind. Let it be carried away on the breeze. Cast away any imprisoning thoughts. Watch them scatter with each grain. Release and embrace your renascence. Look forward to the new you emerging.

Sunday, February 7, 2021

The Photograph

I was watching “The Photograph” and I could help but to see images of myself and cast visions for what I want to have. I have a love-hate relationship with love movies. I love watching them, but I hate how they make me feel. I always see myself in the characters. I always seem to pick movies that speak to the holes in my life. And they make me cry. They make long for what I desire. They make me realize the emptiness that sits in the place of my beautiful love story. 

I desire to live a great love story. I can’t help but fantasize about the man who will look at me adoringly. When I see the pictures of the romantic proposals, I can’t help but wonder when I will have mine. Oscillating between the promise of what could be and the envy of what is not, I imagine me in the pictures. I imagine what it feels like to experience love in that way. I imagine the euphoria and excitement of having the man I love go down on one knee and profess his desire to be with me always. I imagine knowing the preparation and thought that went into creating a special moment to cement the beginning of a lifetime together. I imagine the joy of saying, “Yes” and feeling the ring slip over my finger. 

I imagine. 

I have experienced the joy of a man expressing his desire to marry me. Once at a gas station at Pump #8 and once on my back porch after smoking a cigar. There was no ring. No romantic proposal. No beautiful orchestration. Just the raw emotion of an expression to love me forever. The beauty was no less endearing. The declaration was no less heartfelt. Each time he took my hand in his and looked into my eyes and showed me his soul. 

But I still want the cinema worthy orchestration. I still want the romance. I still want to feel special and surprised and celebrated. I still want the moment captured on film. Most of all, I want forever to really be forever. 

I’m tired of watching other people’s love stories. There’s only so much, “My day is coming” I can stand. I want to see my love story unfold before my eyes. I want to live it and experience it and look back on it with love and excitement. I want the real-life pictures etched in my memories and across my heart. 

 I want to be the woman in the photograph.